“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d?”

Alexander Pope

Jane, do you remember the first time we met? I was the new girl when suddenly my eyes landed on your pair of blue eyes that resembled the clear sky. How you took my breathe away by just a simple “hi.” It never occurred to me how love would suddenly come into my life and take me by surprise. But you did. You came into my life and shook me from within with no worries. No doubts. No fears.

Unlike you, I was always conscious of the judging eyes and hushed whispers. I always took every step carefully. It was confusing how you were pushing me to overstep boundaries and reveal what I am to the world openly. Your every step overflowed with confidence and trust that I envied you. I envied how carefree you were to make choices.

But love, do you also remember when it started? When did your eyes that once resembled the clear sky became foggy and clouded? How I slowly started pulling myself once again and built a tower of what if’s? How it made me farther away from your reach? When did it all happen? How come when I would try to remember the time we spent I could only remember the times we cried? The times we were not ourselves. The moments when we pushed each other away with hurtful words. When our sentences became shorter and are now broken phrases that we couldn’t decipher.

I wanted to forget and leave behind the regrets; but as I walked down the road, I looked back and saw you standing there—smiling. Full of content. And I couldn’t get past the line of finally forgetting you because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to smile like you if I did.

So, love, even if forgetting would give us the chance to start anew and forget the pain, I would still choose to hold on to these moments. All of it. The clear, rainbowed, clouded and stormy ones. Even though, forgetting would mean that I would be able to look at the sky and see the color blue as something that did not resemble you, I wouldn’t try. I wouldn’t try to erase what we once had. Because, maybe, when we grow older; when I would be braver and we will be wiser, we could reach out to one another and start a path as believers of love once again. That despite of all the hurt, hatred, and madness that broke us from within; we would get past that and bloom like wildflowers at dawn.

And so, I am walking on this pathway with all of my baggage. Nothing left behind. But I do hope that maybe one day we would cross paths and say “hi” just like the old times.

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